These are these thoughts that keep going around my head lately. They are whether I studied the right major, whether I selected the right career, and if there is a way for me to return the hands of time, before having abandoned my childhood interest so fast..
And after I finished my crucial talk to the Director of Sales at the current workplace, it rose up even stronger, it felt like a desire yearning for release, it felt like the deepest cry out from my heart that I couldnt breathe. Right now the ground under my feet is shaking, all ways lead to uncertainty, disinterest and helplessness. I felt worn out, disappointed, disgusted to myself; you know, like I'm a loser, a liar, dumb!! Why couldnt I have stood for myself years ago. If only I could make my voice be heard before I chose to study this goddamn thing called Hospitality, perhaps I wouldn't be in such situation where I dont even know what to do after graduation. Like there's nothing that fits me, like this industry has nothing to do with me. My short temper, impatience and individualism will definitely prevent me from attending or even participating in anything of this whole thing which asks for team work, personal services, tolerance and uniformity. In a minute, I reminisced a quote from Gokinjo Monogatary: "It's boring when verybody looks like pieces of sushi in that black and white uniform." The kinda work that I'm gonna do is, bitterly, would be just the same. Should I put it a full stop right here before I waste any much time on this, or should I just ignore the call and burn myself in a title somewhat might give my high pay with completely no drive to get me up every morning to the office? Dilemma, no escape!! I dnt wanna to see how my parents and relatives would react when I say QUIT? Would things be hellish as they already are now? For better or worse. I fear of responsibilities, gossips and being abandoned. There are so many things out there that I want to do, that my life wouldnt be complete without them. I wanna go exploring places I've never been to, wanna meet people with common interest, wanna write movie scripts, wanna be a great film director, wanna drench myself with limelight for at least once in a lifetime, wanna spend all day long wandering to secret hideaways, small alleys where I can just stand and enjoy the breathtaking landscape or a hidden undescribable beauty. I wanna be inspired and inspiring others... Is such simple thing too hard to attain? I dont know, feel like I was wrong from the start, my life sucks the way it was ruined in my hands!!! Why would I deceive myself that I love arts? Why would I turn away from the fancy window where things i love are being displayed. I understand it better than anyone could....
It's undeniable that Hospitality brought me the opportunities to meet some people otherwise I couldn't if I chose another thing to major at. Like Hubby, and all my college friends, close contacts and even one-time acquaintances. I've had some the extraordinarily unforgettable memories and experiences for the past time. I'm grateful for that, but now I'm lost... Feel as if Im risking myself by walking on an invisible line with eyes shut and i'm not even certified as an amateur acrobat. I love reading, and thinking, and having fun with insane creativity. Now they'll be all gone as long as i'm still stuck in here. I can imagine myself 5 years later from now, still wonder what is it for me in this world im in, buried myself in a room restricted within a cubicle, next to other sushi pieces next to me. We'll be facing each other day by day, talking about the same thing - profit and loss - and the vicious circle would be continued until, i dont know, my head explodes?
That's too depressing and down!! But right now it fits nicely with my gloomy mood. I need to go down to HR and tell them about my decision anyway, another wrong one, I know, but at least it pleased my family. Gosh, everything I do, just so that it could please anyone else but me...
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