Kira-kira

Just finished reading the novel, everything seems so real as if the characters stepped out from the story....

My sister had taught me to look at the world that way, as a place that glitters, as a place where the calls of the crickets and the crows and the wind are everyday occurrences that also happen to be magic.

Well yea, when was the last time i heard the crickets chirping? When was the last time i watched the sunset?... Cant really remember, somewhere in the middle of this crazy life i'm getting by, i lost myself in the sea of tangled relationships and responsibilities. I forgot that I am living, not borrowing somebody's life, yet everything is happening as if this was not my life, nothing is quite like what I expected, what I want it to be.

You've changed me. I used to adore happiness over littlist things, used to explore beauty of simplicity around me, used to embrace myself the way i am without worrying about others. Now all i can see is materialism, all i hear from you is about my mindset and attitude's problems, convinced myself i'm never good enough to be loved by you fully. Now that's enough, it's ur business to go find Miss. Perfect for yourself.

We are living in two different worlds, never before did i see it so clearly like i am right now. Even our backgrounds are so much different, the cultures, the mindsets, they are just impossible to compromise. We simply cannot communicate rightly. I'm sick of being underrated, being asked to decide, and revolving around you with your selfish life as if i dont have a life to live on my own!!!!

I found myself more than often walking aimlessly on the street, inside the malls. What am I looking for? I have no clue. Sometimes, i look back on those photos and diaries that i've kept since high school and feel jealous with thoughts from an aspiring, full of dreams and determination girl- someone I used to be, not too long ago. And I turn to see the NOW me in the mirror, it's empty, blank and soulless....


When you kiss me now and then, it feels funny, it's tasteless and emotionless. I cant explain. I used to have this kind of electric shock when someone I love hold me, touch me or hang out with me. The kind of affection and longing, not with you anymore, like a dying flame...

I need to get out of this situation. For long, i've been depending on something too intangible, been lingering on something so vague, been left behind so far that i can no longer see the track i am supposed to go. I gotta open my eyes wide and see things with a different insight. I'm tired of waiting for hopeless messages, fighting over meaningless things, listening to uncertain answers and wandering in circles for a thing so-called Love.

I just realized, the chemistry is gone, sorry honey, it's time to say Goodbye...


If only you'd hear what i'm saying...

De javu again..

It happened like it was supposed to be ages ago, idk, everything around me just seemed too familiar that it made me wonder whether i was in a dream, coz it's too real to exist...

It was a concert held in RMIT, the beginning was still normal from when i prepared at home, got in, looked around and be seated. Strange things started when I turned around and saw him. He was talking with his clique, outstanding tall in white shirt, recognizable to me, coz he's not changed much, still the same Worm-kun, that smile, that look, that aura that keeps people around him.... But he didnt see me, or if he could, surely didn't recognize me at all. I just silently watched him, and smile with myself. So it has been a long time, hasnt it, my Ka?...

Loud music kicked off the show, everybody hurried up to their seats, while i stood up and found my way to the last row-standing. The reason i left my seat was rather simple, i didnt like the dummy face sat next to me, who was smelly and looked like got tons of tofu in his head. Another reason is, i tried to find him, i wanted to at least confirm something...

Looked around in the chaos of noise and sweat, I got him. Sitting at the third row, he's giggling about something, he always is, with a girl..
I found a seat nearby there, and managed to wave him after the 2nd song, hahah must see his astonished face, like, Who was that, i'm sure see her before!!! Fortunately, there are few seats behind him that empty, so He called me to change, well i just wanna stress, it's His idea. And exactly at that point, when i was holding my arms on the back of the front seat, with him turned around and looked straight at my eyes, telling me something, things were like De Javu. I saw this scene before, I know he would looked me that way with his excitement beam sparkling in his brown eyes, with those words, by a gentle voice just as before, with the show happened in front of us, the same atmosphere, the same sentiment overwhelmed me, and took my breath away. It's all about a moment like that....

The sequel things occurred fast, after quite a few performances, the coordinators began to collect votes for the contestants of the night. We needed something that can write to circle our favourite performer. The intriguing part was when he borrowed me my pen, when the vote box holder was passing him the pencil to do it. The second that our fingers touched when he was returning me the pen, there was something lingering, i couldnt tell wat was that, but it's so heart-throbbed, he didnt look at me though, so i just kept the thought to myself. Well, perhaps it's just coincidence, life is always so...

The couple sitting in front of me left, and he asked me to join him, which meant sitting next to him. Not a big deal (actually it was to me), after the heart attack a few minutes ago, i wasnt quite fully recovered, but who cares, just sit coz i wanted too, indeed, wat a floozy!!!! We talked through the rest of the night, wit the girl interfered sometimes. As he introduced, she appeared to be his "daughter" or watsoever, i dnt bother much. He's great, with the same vibe that made me fall for him. Mature, gentle and cool.... and always not for me, hahahaha... :)

The most special moment of the night was when he gazed at me from top to toe, and told me that I did change a lot, much better, but not for the height!!!!
It soon came to an end, yeah, time to say goodbye. The funny thing was i came there to support my friend but i dint really pay attention to her performance, accept my apology, dear and blame it on my distraction, him!!!!!
When he grab my arm firmly and said: Take care, my sister!, there was kinda sorta electric shock run through my vein, it's hard to believe after that many years, things were still emotional like the first time i had a crush on him, the difference is I no longer had that puppy crush, i just felt delightful for a short while and keep it like a lovely memory, that's it....

I still could get all my courage to confess to him, i Still couldnt get the chance to take photo with him, wat a coward, gaby, u've not grown up much, still the ol'shy of the shore...

And it reminds me of hubby, I didnt compare those two, I dint need to coz I know to whom my heart belongs now. Infatuation will fade, but true love stays. I dont know if this love can last as long as a fairy tale could, but I surely i'll try my best to make it as long as possible. Ka was charming in a way that my dream boy could be, but dream boys aint real, therefore they are something you only dream about. The truth is a person who cares for you and stays beside you when things turn upside down and you are left behind by a whole world. For me, that person would be you, right, hubby?...

Nửa đêm...

"Tối ngày như thằng điên!!!"


Cứ tưởng là câu cuối cùng mà Bà nói, ko ngờ chỉ là một khoảng lặng cho những lời lẽ còn chua chát hơn ...


Mình vừa đi chơi với Bạn về. Thích Bạn. Lâu ngày không gặp, Bạn lớn lên nhiều quá. Không hẳn là thay đổi, vẫn là cảm giác ngưỡng mộ ngày nào trong mình mỗi khi tiếp chuyện Bạn: suy nghĩ thì già dặn nhưng nụ cười vẫn hồn nhiên giòn tan.... Thoải mái khi nói về trường, lớp, bạn bè, đây đó, chia sẻ này nọ, ừ, miễn là không cần nhắc đến gia đình ...

Vậy mà cũng không thoát được.

Ngày nào bên kia cũng nghe như tường thuật từ radio, về đây lại càng thường trực hơn. Ai ai cũng tỏ vẻ quan tâm, mà chả biết làm sao, cứ bảo mình cứu, cứu là cứu ai, cứu là cứu như thế nào, mình cũng muốn biết, vì mình thấy mình cũng muốn điên lên rồi....


Thằng nhỏ và Bà ngày nào cũng hục hặc, nhưng chỉ dừng lại ở sự tự nguyện im lặng của một phía, rồi thôi. Hôm nay khác, giống như 2 ngọn núi lửa dồn nén lâu ngày chọn đúng dịp mà cùng bùng lên. Mình chỉ là một người chữa lửa bình thường, mình đâu có được tập huấn để dập nham thạch với đá mắc ma, nên mình bất lực đứng ở giữa, gắng giữ để công an phường đừng gõ cửa nhà...

Ông ngồi như tượng, chả nói được tiếng nào. Không biết vì Ông không có tiếng nói của riêng mình, hay từ lâu đã bỏ cuộc, nhưng dù sao, mình cũng chả cần tiếng nói của một con người vô trách nhiệm đứng bên lề của bất cứ sự tình gì. Cái sự đớn hèn nó làm người ta bất lực đến đáng thương, là vậy....

Bà gân cổ tía tai nói cái lý của Bà. Thằng nhỏ nghiến chặt răng và cả dòng nước mắt tích tụ bao lâu bán sống bán chết bảo vệ lý lẽ của nó. Ai cũng có quan điểm của mình, mà chẳng ai chịu nghe ai. Mà cũng bắt đầu từ lí do không đâu. Rồi thành ra Thằng nhỏ nghĩ Bà ép buộc nó, không tôn trọng nó, giận cá chém thớt, không coi nó như người. Bà thì cho là Thằng nhỏ ăn cháo đá bát, cãi lời cha mẹ, vô tích sự... Mình thì mình thấy cả hai như nhau...



Nói tính cứng đâu ương ngạnh di truyền cũng đúng, chưa bao giờ nó gây gia biến kinh khủng như lần này. Bà gào rú nào láo lếu, bất hiếu, không có quyền này nọ với nó. Thằng nhỏ cũng không vừa, bảo đi kiện rồi bỏ nhà này kia. Mình thì mình chả biết làm sao ngăn, vì hai người đâu có ngưng lại giây nảo để cho mình khuyên can.. Mình vừa muốn tát vào mặt Thằng nhỏ vì ăn nói hỗn hào, tự phụ với cái tôi khoái chứng tỏ cao bằng trời; vừa thương nó vì thấy hình ảnh của mình ngày xưa, nhưng nó không giỏi nhịn nhục bằng mình. Còn thì muốn ngăn Bà lại trước khi Bà đi quá xa, đến mức xỉ vả con trai mình như chó, như người dưng , rồi lại thấy tội nghiệp bà mẹ đang gánh chịu hậu quả cách giáo dục con nông cạn từ trước đến giờ....

Mệt mõi, chỉ biết khuyên nó Xin lỗi để cả nhà đi ngủ, mai ai cũng có việc.

Mình sợ là Bà tăng xông, còn Thằng nhỏ thì bị bức đến đường cùng rồi làm chuyện dại dột, nên làm dịu không khí.

Leo lên sân thượng ngẫm nghĩ, tự nhiên thấy Thằng nhỏ đứng đó từ lúc nào, mắt nhìn xa xăm. Cũng may nó nhìn thẳng chứ không phải nhìn xuống đất, làm mình cứ tưởng. Thằng nhỏ cũng hay, dám bảo vệ chính kiến của mình, chả màng tới ai. Mình mà cũng liều mạng như nó, có khi giờ này đang theo học cái ngành mà mình yêu thích cũng nên, mà thôi, chuyện qua rồi.... Cũng Bà, kì vọng nó cao quá, kiềm cặp nó chặt quá. Mình đứng trò chuyện với nó vài câu, rồi đi xuống....

Đi ngang qua tấm hình chụp chung gia đình trước ngày mình đi. Ai cũng cười, chắc là do ông thợ chụp hình bảo..... giả tạo gì đâu đi....





Đêm vậy mà dài ghê....



P.S:
Xin lỗi Em vì Chị không thể lên tiếng bảo vệ Em
Xin lỗi Mẹ vì con đã không khuyên can em
Xin lỗi Ba vì con đã không dứt khoát
Là con có lỗi...

A midsummer's dream

It's drizzling with breezes blowing through the window panes, that made me feel sleepy...

Standing at the middle of a lotus pond, there was a bridge. I was wearing a white dress, and talking to Hubby...It's so unbelievable, I was talking something like how u doing, i'm back. And then we held hands, walking back to a hotel nearby. When we stepped in, there were some strangers inside, 2 old women, talking something in foreign, i couldnt get a word nor bothered about it. When I went to the restroom, i saw a bra top, and i was thinking very hard. Whose are they, looked rather old and in small size, why the hell they are here? Many question spun in my head, i brought the top out to the living room, and asked hubby. Hubby smiled and said something unclear I could not get, something relating to Junette or so. Then i went back, feeling uncomfortable. When i was in the middle of the lotus pond, Shirley called me to give me my handbag. She showed me a sad smile, like a sympathetic smile that I really dislike, there was music at the background, slow and melancholy. I was just about the figure out the name of the song, my ring tone rang and outplayed it!!!!

Then i woke up

It's such a weird dream, very unexplainable and vague fear surrounding me after the dream, i wonder what meaning it could be...

it's nearby the end of June, isnt it?

Dont know why recently I'm very much interested at closet affairs!
Is it because of the irresistible Gss going on?

The other day saw at Robinson a pair of wedges so cute but couldnt buy because of low budget.
2 days ago, passed by Frost and saw an OMG gorgeous necklace that I've always wished to have, still couldnt dare to make a move, coz afraid it'd just another rip-off.
Yesterday, afternoon, caught a nice leather handbag cost 189.90, *sign*. At night, drooled over cute short shorts yet hesitated... my oh my, i feel so helpless now. Dont know what I need anymore~~~~

Let's break it down then. what I need is a nice versatile handbag to match with most of my clothes, coz the current one I'm using is about to spoil. Yet I dont know which one to choose, just a simple one or a high-end but long lasting leather, and labeled or local?? that's the question~~~~

Gotta check out Aldo and Agnes B today for their bag selections, oh yeah and Haji Lane too, see if there's any thing lovely will catch my eyes. But before that Top priority for Wendy's research needs to be done, I cant procrastinate it anymore, til last minute and white night are torturing, I wont take it any longer... dat's just unprofessional ...

But after all, the problem is stil my budget, if I overspend this month, surely next month, everyday I'll drink porridge instead of wholemeal, which is terrible, not my tastebuds, what to do, uhuhuhuhuh =((

Happy BDAY, Gabriel!!!

WELCOME TO LIFE!!!!!



Time flies like a rocket, after months and days, finally, it's my 20th birthday.

It's hard to describe this feeling. Something inside you tells you that you've reached the next stage of the circle of life. Remember few years back, I was still wondering what life is like out there, behind the school gate, far away from the wall of my house, far far away from the line of my boundary, far beyond my knowledge and experience....

20 years - with all smiles and sadness, tears and memories, gatherings and partings... Some are unremarkable, some are unforgettable, jus like today ^^


Mommy didnt call me after all, but it doesnt matter, coz at least the two most important men in my life were beside me all the time: Dad and Hubby. I dont know should I love or hate him for bringing me up with such personalities. But anyway, thank you for calling me up and wish me a happy bday, there's always a place for you in my heart no matter how far we are, dad, hope you know this...

And Hubby, you were the one who make this date become history. Since 8, never did i receive present from anyone that truly deeply made me touched like the way it did today. I might not be the one and only in your life, but please do know that, to me, you'r the prince of my dream, the special exception that I can entrust and die for.

Apparently, i'm kiddish, impatient, bad-tempered, sickening, disappointing and hopeless in so many ways, that people usually tend to kick me away from their way. Somehow in my mind, i thought i was like a rusty music box, with the kind of noise that irritates anyone. How glad I was when you found me, you could never imagine it. And be treasured, be respected, be embraced in your love is the greatest gift from heaven that I cant ask for more....


I know you'r tired and low energy after work, and with a few personal reasons that keep you from hang out with me too often. Yet you kept telling me not too grumble, yet you were willing to spend time talking over about our dinner, carrying all those heavy stuff, walking around in that freezing supermarket picking groceries for our dinner - the dinner that you COOKED for me later. When I saw you preparing veggie, managed to flip the chicken inside the pan, and got upset when they'r not as good as you expected, I just wanted to hold you, very tight, and tell you that:

That's more than enough, hubby.. Even though it's not a perfect dinner, i'm happy when you're perfectly in love with me.

I'm really, really happy that i thought I couldnt hold my tears when I think back of the previous birthday I've had before. It was always a day after skool, i bought a small cake for myself, hopefully stepped inside the house wishing a warm family dinner waiting for me... and I lightened up the candle by myself, blew it quietly, and had dinner with the telly. It always ended up like dat, how I wished at least someone could have hugged me and tell me how much they love me.... like the way you do, hubby, the way you always do.....


Though it was short, though it was simple, I enjoyed it alot. With you keep saying that you love me, I believe we can make it. Always be little in confidence, I have no doubt this time what happen between us is a miracle, but it's up to us to grow it ... Not just the promise in 5 years time, i'm willing to spend my lifetime loving you.... no matter how hard it would be, how many troubles or misunderstanding we will encompass, I wont give up. For what you did tonight showed me the true love that I've been looking for a whole time.... =)



LOVE YOU, HUBBY!!!!xxxxxx

i want to spend my lifetime loving you mp3 | lyrics

free music downloads | music videos | pictures

3rd letter to you

I want you to get into the deep beautiful melancholy of everything that's happened

2 days.
26 hours.
3 peaks.

How can I put in words of how I miss you awfully now, hubby?


It's raining again
On the street, those corners, those bus stops
wherever we passed by
I hear your laugh
your voice
I see your face
the look of love in your eyes
in each single raindrop

As my ankles start to sink in the rain
my eyes start to sink in tears
that i tried to hold back

wish we could have one more kiss
one more hug
before we let go our hands
and say goodbye

yeah I know we will be sending msg later
but hell ya, it's very much different when we really facing each other
the way you cuddled me in your arms
kissed my nose
bit my tongue
took away my breathe
brought me to forbidden garden
and burned me with your love

killing joy and fainted ecstasy
Sweet taste of sin


I guess that's why I was drawn to you
The 2nd time led to the 3rd,
I feel so alive, it wont last but it's alright
What should I do now?
You put your spell on me
Until i need you every minute
Gotta find you every day
Coz I cant have enough of you
It's deadly, my dear
The power of wanting you near.....



Tell me one more time
those words we have always said
Coz i would do
again and again

when our worlds unite,
when our thoughts collide

No matter how far we are
No matter how long it takes
No matter how fast time flies

you know I love you

2nd letter to you

Dear Hubby,

By now, you might have been at a place on earth where I'm not, and seeing and feeling things that I cant. I wish you joy and happiness there, so that when you come back, I can see beam sparkling in your eyes, bright smile on your face, a total cheerful you far away fr that depressed guy I ever saw before under such pressure at work.


Meanwhile, things happening around me like the way life should be. Yesterday was kinda rise and fall to me, when I desperately sought support fr u, and darn it, the connection sucked. Or it meant to be, I gotta face it on my own, and overcome watever it would turn into. Frustration, exhaustion, confusion, depression~ lol, such a pot of emotion that turned me into someone I dont even know. I lost my respect on somebody, coz I dislike people who cant keep their words. I felt weight on my petite shoulders as I had to be in charged of something out of my job scope. And bitterness came to me when I realized they actually affected the most basics of what I've been trying to master. As if my effort so far altogether gone to dust, when people felt pathetic for me. My pet hates!!!!!! I jcant stand it... and I thought your voice could chill me out, yet that's only my thought....So I dealt with it by myself, like I've always been. Tough, yes, harsh, yes, so wat, put up with it anyway....


Today I heard your voice
Tomorrow, I'd see you very soon. Time was stuck or is it me who think the clock of life stopped running when you're not around. The feeling of be forgotten is frightening, indeed. ..But I'm glad we didnt.And we would never, right hubby.

One last day, then it would take 10 more days for us to see each other. Dont know whether distance really makes the heart grow fonder, just know I'm missing you now....


p.s: look alot healthier than before wit new hair ^^


From Bii with love
xxx

you make my dreams come true

What I want,YOu've got
But it might be hard to handle
Like the flame that burns the candle
The candle feeds the flame yeah yeah
What I got - full stock of thoughts and dreams that scatter
And you put them all together
And how I cant explain
Well well you
YOu make my dreams come true~

Listened to this the first time in 500 days of Summer. Kinda like the cheerful beat and lyrics that it has, but now love it for the meaning of the content, man, like the way you change my life, hubby~~~

One month long with plenty of laughs and memories. We had joy, n sadness too (when we aint together, kkk) You brought me to a new world I've never been to, turned into a new me I've never thought I could be, and made our love like a fountain of chocolate fondue that never stops melting me now and then.

Oh yeah, the way you love me ~

On a night when bad dreams become a screamer
when they're messing with a dreamer
I can laugh it in the face
Twist and shout my way out
And wrap yourself around me
....

I'm down on my daydream
All that sleepwalk should be over by now
I know
Well you hell yeah you make my dreams come true

=))



Love it when every moment I spend with you becomes extraordinary
Love it when you're always there to hear and share with my daily stuff and work
Love it when you make a wink whenever I feel stressed and tense
Love it when you stay back late after work, jus to see me, jus to comfort me and wish me a gnight
Love it when u laugh at silly things I said and did
Love it when we hang around, doing nothing but holding hands and smiling at each other
Love it when u care about my bruises, cuts and clumsiness
Love it when u stroke my hair and caress my neck
Love it when I can snuggle into your warmth and cosiness


and hug you, and kiss you and tell you over and over again....


I love you <3

Fly me to the moon~~~

18 days

So it has been that long, since the day we started everything. Is it too fast, Is it too hasty? I dont know what's going on anymore, but when I'm in your arms, I feel safe, excited and calm at the same time. When I hear you whisper those 3 words, I feel blessed to have someone love me in a sweet and stunning way. And when I look at your eyes, I found myself deeply fall in with the one and only prince of my dream


Wat happened last night was extraordinary. The first time ever I surrendered to somebody completely, and I'm glad that was you. There was insecurity, nerves and doubts of my decision. But the moment that you stroked me so gently yet affectionately, kissed me so softly yet passionately, and the way you cuddled me like a koala bear just took all my fears away, far far away as if they were never there. Coz we belong to each other....

I was so into you that I thought even if we crossed the line, I would have no regret for what we had together. Coz I believe in you and in our love that nothing's gonna stop us, nothing at all you know, like a car with no brake, it's just so, so shall we let it be... :)


People search for material love with diamond rings and big bucks extravaganza. But I dont need those fancy and meaningless set-up, happiness is simple and supposed to be within our reach. Though sometimes it's hard to realize and appreciate it until it's gone....And yeah, I wanna tell you that I'm happy in every single minute I spend with you, tell you how I treasure each second we have together, how I love hearing you say over and over again that you love me, and oh my how I wanna spend my lifetime loving you.... jus cant get enough of you....


dawn of 23/01/2010, when the sky was full of cloud, jet black. There were two hearts that indulges in magical intimacy. The lil' heart was so afraid and unsure of what to do, she kept shivering and muttering. But the greater heart was so calm and caring enough to chill her out in his very own way.... jus melted the lil'heart all night long. ............. ..

It might be crazy, it might be impulsive~ nevertheless, it made the two hearts come closer and grow fonder for each....




Miss u, Bii <3 Hubby